i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This couple is walking their pig around campus
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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