it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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