So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
