you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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