I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
