i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What a dumb baby whore.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
