One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
tell me about the eggs
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
