So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
