I showed him my bush... on skype.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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