for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize