So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Two words: blizzard sex
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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