I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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