I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
