Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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