Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
