You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
