No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
no, he came in my armpit
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
