Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
