Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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