my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize