Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
