I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
