fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
