nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
