So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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