I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
