she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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