I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
