# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Randomize
