sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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