just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize