why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
