He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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