what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
