Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
