Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
