She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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