He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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