brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
