i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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