My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
