Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
