you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
