I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
