Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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