Your tits are I can't wait for
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
