too bad you live with your parents still
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
