Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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