Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize