just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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