And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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