You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
