Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
