There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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