my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
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