yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
