You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
