my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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