you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
