i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
