Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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