I'm so fucking centered right now
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
