I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
