Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
