He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
