Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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