I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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